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Post by monami on Feb 5, 2015 23:54:45 GMT -5
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him for confession."
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 2:58:06 GMT -5
I drive with my knees. Otherwise, how can I put on my lipstick and talk on my phone Sharon Stone
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 2:58:53 GMT -5
Thought of the Day: Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back)...Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:01:27 GMT -5
I think I had a flair for politics but natural feelings are never enough. You've got to marry those natural feelings with really hard work - but the hard work comes more easily when you are doing things that you want to do..... Margaret Thatcher
You must be doing what you want to do in terms of work if you are to be satisfied with your life. Sticking around an old job because of money or security is a frequent cause of depression and mental suffering.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:02:29 GMT -5
I hold that while man exists it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind; and therefore... I will simply say that I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number..... Abraham Lincoln
Believing in the usefulness of one's work is essential to maximum life satisfaction.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:03:27 GMT -5
Vincent T. Foss... One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:05:04 GMT -5
© 2009 by LadySkyeFyre
February 7 You are in a quandary. Is what you are doing the best thing to be doing to attain a well rounded spiritual development? We would say yes. How, you ask, can you say that to each and every person who reads this? We would say, yes, we can say that and more. You, each and every one of you, will never deviate from your path. It might appear there are detours and dead ends, but, these are merely turns your path takes. It tends, sometimes, to adopt a meandering fashion, but you are never, nor will you ever be, off your path.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:05:41 GMT -5
She is not fair to outward view As many maidens be, Her loveliness I never knew ...Until she smiled on me; O, then I saw her eye was bright, A well of love, a spring of light!
But now her looks are coy and cold, To mine they ne'er reply, And yet I cease not to behold ...The love-light in her eye; Her very frowns are fairer far Than smiles of other maidens are.
.....Song by Hartley Coleridge (1796-1849)
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:06:36 GMT -5
Touch wood, be humble, never dare to say That this is joy lest satisfaction throw A shade on love which now (while roots still grow) Stands like the proudest chestnut tree in May With all its candles burning. Passions sway: This has no tide nor any ebb and flow; It has no evening, no red afterglow, And needs no moon to keep the night at bay.
But since most lovers falter or contend, And all their promises and all their powers Drift towards a common grave, what chance have we? Poets keep the past and priests eternity; Only the day, the flying day is ours, But while we hold it fast it cannot end.
.....Touch Wood by Helen Foley (1896-1937)
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:14:31 GMT -5
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam..........? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20............. much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney...... Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight............. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was definitely dead by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive......... and practicing law.
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:24:35 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:25:54 GMT -5
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant.
The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood.
But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:35:51 GMT -5
A guy's truck broke down and he had all these penguins, and they are waddling all over the motorway, he's panicking and trying to get his truck to start. then this guy in another truck pulls over and asks if he needs any help? The guy said "I am trying to take these penguins to the zoo and my truck broke down". The bloke in the other van said. "Look dont worry ill take the penguins to the zoo and you get your truck sorted". The guy was very grateful, and said look hear is £!00 to take them". So eventually he gets his truck to start and in town he sees the guy who stopped to help, and all the penguins are waddling behind him. The guy is furious and Shouts. "Hay! mate, i though i gave you £100 to take them penguins to the zoo". The guy reply. "Well i did, and I've got some money left over, so now Im taking them to the movies".
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 3:43:34 GMT -5
A guy is driving around the back streets of town. He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten pounds,' the guy says. 'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden.'
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Post by monami on Feb 7, 2015 21:32:04 GMT -5
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. Winston Churchill
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